The Great Greek Whale

My father many years ago was a legendary fall down drunk. Now I have never seen him drunk but from the stories my uncles have told me he would have been inducted into the Anheuser-Busch hall of fame. My father would drink anything. He use to take sterno and filter it through cheese cloth. Now this is the kind of stuff Nasa used to launch the Apollo.

My old man use to hang out at a bar called Peelies on 9th avenue. All the local tough guys and killers would come to this bar and just about everyone had a gun. My father use to drink with a guy they called Vinnie the Fish. My father and Vinnie walk into Peelies looking to throw a few drinks back. Unfortunitilly the bartender that is working today is Fat Mary. Fat Mary was this 350lb greek woman. She was a piece of mush. She had a bad attitude, would never give you a buy back, and would take anything for free. So my father and Vinnie are having a few and they start complaining to her " Oh you fat fuck how about buying us a round for once". Well of course she told them to stick their thumps up their asses and spin. After a few minutes Vinnie comes up with a idea. He tells Fat Mary that he wants to buy her a shot. Of course she wants in on this cause she's a gluton fuck. Vinnie tells my old man to keep her talking on the side for a few minutes. She had already poured the drinks and while my father was distracting her Vinnie put a cow laxative in her drink. Now you got to understand a cow laxative is meant for a 2000 pound cow with the shits. LOL he put a whole tablet in. No more then twenty minutes goes by and Fat Mary starts to turn green and then pale white. She gets up to run towards the bathroom but starts shitting all over herself. She made it to the bathroom but left a full trail of shit behind. LOL Vinnie and my father go and have a look at her in the bathroom. They said after all was said and done she must have lost 50 pounds.

Holiday Spirit

My cousin is one of the best guys I know. He's the type of guy that would give you his last dollar. One year he gets hooked up with a company that sells Christmas trees. He starts out as a helper but gets promoted to the boss of his own stand the following year. My cousin starts out with one of the biggest tree lots they have. Work was pretty slow for me so I would come down and work for tips. We both start out with a Gung-ho attitudes. All positive moral was gone after dealing with ball breaking women and little bastard kids for a week. Now the company he was working for was great because they didn't give two shits about how you talked to customers. We decide to add a few polices of our own. One of them was that we refused to help customers anymore. I had a women come up to the stand and asked "how do I pick a tree". OHHHHH boy, I respond with "well see you hold it up, look at it, and then you bring it over to me". She tries to tell me that she didn't bring anyone to hold the tree for her. I told her that I wasn't a fucking tree stand. As you can imagine that was one of the many no sales to come. Every time it rained my cousin would hide in his car playing xbox or watching movies. Most of the time people would come in and leave cause they couldn't find him but if he had to get out of his car I felt sorry for you. Most of the time he told them "what are you a asshole can't you see its raining". LOL more loss of sales. One day I am ringing up customers and I yell to him while he's in the bathroom. He opens the port a john door (still sitting on the bowl) and yells "what the F$@# can't these people see im busy". I start dying laughing. What do you know by the end of the season we were one of the best money making stands. I'm still in amazement.

Grandfather

I never met my grandfather. He died before I was born. He was about 4 foot 11 inches but would fight anyone at the drop of a hat. Now almost every week the cops would stop by the house to pick up either my father or grandfather for something they did.

Almost every Thursday my grandfather would be out hitting the local bars. One of his favorites was a bar called the Neutral corner on 55th and 8th ave. This Thursday would be a little different then most. My grandfather after many hours of boozing comes staggering out of the bar. A cop car had pulled up about five minutes before and the two cops inside had gone into a deli. What do you know they left the keys to the car in the ignition. Well my grandfather decides to jump into the front seat and take off with the cop car. My father is walking down the street towards my grandfathers house and sees a cop car up on the side walk. My father goes up the stairs and finds my grandfather past out on the floor with a Chihuahua sleeping on his chest. As you can imagine the cops showed up soon after.

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Camping Trip

Ive seen it all and I have heard it all living around here. Almost every generation born in Hell's Kitchen has been a mess. Drug dealers,users,thieves,junkies,drunks,hookers,and killers. Now when you get a handful of them and they decide to take a camping trip you know this is going to be interesting.

Around ten guys decide to go hunting/camping. Not one of them knows how to hunt or even set up a tent. They bring with them eight cases of beer,knives,handguns,one tent,and a couple of eight balls. Now most of these guys have either been in jail or soon to be on there way. They finally get to there spot and start partying.Some how
they figure out how to put up there tent. They decide to take a walk though the woods when all of a sudden one of them yells out "tonight you die yanky dog" and starts shooting into the woods. At this point they are all spread out and its almost pitch black. Everyone pulls out their handguns and starts firing towards one another. LOL lucky bastards, not one of them was hit. After the walk everyone decides to go lay down. My uncle needs to take a piss and his friends are holding him down telling him that they're not letting him up. My uncle pulls his johnson out and starts pissing in the air. Guys are screaming and running for there lives. In the morning one guy is missing so they try and look for him. He shows up about an hour later covered in mud from head to toe. They ask him what happened and he tells them that he was hunting and had to crawl on his belly to stay low. Everyone is impressed that he actually found something and came so close to killing it. Now what you don't know is that this guy is an ex Vietnam veteran and is slightly out of his noodle. They ask him what he was hunting. He tells them "I was hunting a chipmunk with a 8" bowie knife". Enough said.

Father Reverend Joseph

We are going to take another trip up to Thruway garage and gas station for this story. My father and distant cousin (same guy that put the dry ice under Captain Bingo's bed- go to captain bingo post) got together to pull a few phone pranks. The most memorable one would be a story I like to call Father Reverend Joseph.


My father and uncle call a local tow truck service one day. My uncle tells this man that he is the father reverend Joseph and has a major problem and needs this mans help. The tow truck driver is very concerned and wants to help the reverend anyway he can. The reverend explains that a van full of nuns has broken down and the church doesn't have a lot money to pay for a tow. LOL one of the best parts of the story is that my father is playing a keyboard in the back round that sounds like an church organ. The tow truck driver explains to the reverend that he will help him anyway he can. The reverend tells the truck driver that he can give him 5 large ones. The tow truck driver says "five large ones father"? The reverend tells him "yes my son I can offer you five big ones". The driver explains "no father this won't cost you 5 hundred". The reverend explains " No my son I mean five large dicks for you hinny". LOL the tow truck driver all of a sudden realizes its a prank call and starts screaming every dirty word in his vocabulary.

Redecorating

My father use to play all sorts of tricks on this one friend of his. This guy would come home drunk on a daily basis and find his furniture rearranged. My father would sneak inside at night with his brother and move the bed with him in it to different rooms. Lol one time he even woke up in his hallway. One day my father and a few friends broke into the house took all of his furniture and nailed it to the ceiling. After that the guy started boobie trapping his wondows with spears and arrows lol.

Just taking a stroll

My father is sitting in the landlords office the other day and notices someone walking down the street. It is about 3 in the afternoon. Nothing special about someone walking down the street. Now if the guy is balls naked and walking as if he is window shopping this may raise an eye or two. Im sure the arresting officer wished he never came in that day.

Skydive kitty

Just wanted to put up a quick post. My uncle who died around seven years ago was one sick bastard. He would sell anything or do anything to get money for drugs. He would sleep with a 90 year old women. It didn't matter to him.

My uncle was bored one day and decided to take a walk up to the roof. Now before he went upstairs he grabs some fishing line, parachute from a large GIJOE figure, and a cat. Yes I said a cat. He had no intention of hurting the animal but needed its help for some light afternoon entertainment. He attaches the parachute to the cat. Oh by the way don't try this at home. He walks towards the edge of the building and tosses the cat in the air. The cat starts its slow decent down from five floors. Ahh..... I know what your thinking "Jesus thank god the cats alright and can get away". You have forgotten about the fishing line. Back up the cat came and off he went again. Well by the end of the day the cat had more diving experience then most professional divers. Oh and if you were wondering, the cat was fine and my uncle let that brave soldier go LOL.

The cab stand massacre

Hello all and thanks for stopping by on this colddd morning on the westside. Its 29 degrees to be exact. I once had a friend who had a very moody personality. His name was Larry and he hated sunny days and was happy on miserable days. He was the kind of person that would just beat the shit out of anyone or anything that gave him displeasure. Shoot guns in his house and once or twice at friends sitting in his house. Unfortunately Larry took a dive off his roof. A guy with a lot of issues and heartache. Larry we will miss ya brother.

One day Larry and his brother Mark were walking past a local gas station where it seems every cabby in NYC come to get gas. Both of them were about six foot and 220 pounds. Now Mark had a similar temperament to Larry but wasn't as tough. As the two were walking by this gas station one of the cabbies almost hits the pair of them. Well this is a big mistake on the taxi drivers part. So a argument begins leading to a punch in the cabbies head. This lays him out completely. All of a sudden its like a scene from the Alamo. Waves of cabbies storming in on the two of them. LOL looks like they don't have a prayer. Well the two brothers start beating the hump of the cabbies. They are literally hitting them so hard that its driving them over the cabs. The number of cab drivers that are charging in is around 30 and that's not an exaggeration. After about twenty minutes of fighting the police show up. Larry and Mark start to throw punches with the cops lol. All of a sudden about twenty cop cars show up. The two brothers held out pretty well at first but after about ten hits each with a night stick that was the end of there assault. Just another day in Hell's Kitchen.

Liquidation Sale

When my father was younger he would try and sell anything. I mean ANYTHING. Bras, panties, chandeliers, cars, doctors equipment, gas stations, etc. He once sold the Washington bridge to a couple of Asian tourists for $500 lol.

Years ago there was this tramp/prostitute who knew everyone in the neighborhood. My father at the time was a heavy drinker and so was my uncle. They had ran out of money and needed a quick way to jump back off the wagon. My father comes up with the brilliant idea of pimping the tramp out for anything a guy had in his pocket. LOL I mean ten cents, twenty five cents, a dollar it really didn't matter. If you did have more money to offer you were moved up to the front of the line. Ah if only I could use this method at a theme park. All the tramp/prostitute wanted was a pack of ring dings and some kind of chips. Ah the simple things in life. Well my father and uncle had a line of about thirty guys running up some apartment stairs waiting for there turn. Everyone almost balls naked. No one wanted to go after a guy named Horse Dick Benny and the prostitute didn't want him no where near her lololol.

Birthday Cake

Well you should be getting a little hint by now why my family is shot in the head. Hard for some people to understand our sense of humor. Everyday of the week my father breaks both my uncles balls.

We decided to have a small party for my father up on 45th and 10th Ave. My one uncle who lol complains about my father on an hourly basis decides not to come due to the fact that my father would bust his chops all day. At the end of the party there is a nice size piece of cake left. My father decides to send this piece of cake down to my uncle that didn't show up. So my uncle who came to the party takes a polaroid camera into the bathroom. Comes out with a picture and slides it under the cake. Well I wanted to deliver this beautiful piece of cake, so I did. I present the cake to my uncle and he says "Ok what's wrong with it". I start laughing as he inspects the cake knowing that his two brothers would never just send him something to be nice. Sure enough my uncle finds a picture of a dick.

State of Grace

If you haven't gotten the chance to see this I would recommend taking a look. Most of whats in the movie isn't accurate but it definitely has the feel of the old Hells Kitchen. Pretty good movie too.

Captain Bingo

Ahhh there once was a nutty old fool called Johnny Mann. This was the kind of guy who could make it to Alaska and back to NYC with 100 bucks in his pocket. We preferred to him as that dirty, filthy, lying winno lol. Not a bad guy pretty funny actually. Was also known as Captain Bingo since he always claimed to travel by boat.

A distant cousin of mine use to torture this poor bastard. Play tricks on him and such. Now Captain Bingo use to stay with this cousin of mine. My cousin is the kind of guy that would electrocute you with wires running out of a wall socket. Anyway that's a story for later. One night Captain Bingo was sleeping in the second bedroom. My crazy cousin grabbed a empty two liter bottle of soda. Took a small piece of dry ice and added a small amount of water to the bottle. Then closing the bottle tightly put it under the Captains bed. LOL now this is pretty dangerous and I wouldn't recommend doing this to a friend. Well after a couple of minutes the gases from the dry ice filled the bottle and put tons of pressure on it. Sure enough the bottle explodes causing a sound that would wake up the next door neighbors. This in turn blew him right out of the bed. LOL luck it didn't kill him.

X marks the spot

My fathers side of the family has always been pretty evil to one another. Heavy drinking and drugging years ago brought out some of the worst in them. They would torture each other verbally or get into some serious fights with pipes, knives, bats, etc. No mercy rules.

One day my father, uncle, and fathers girlfriend were hanging out at the Old..... apartment on 46th street. LOADED is one word to describe how hammered they were. Well my uncle starts to tell my fathers girlfriend how he would have no problem stabbing my father. Thinking this was a joke the girlfriend decided to dare my uncle. Well my uncle gets up with his german made butcher knife and slashes a X across my fathers chest. Brings a tear to my eye to see how good my family has treated each other. At that point my father starts to chase my uncle out the door with a baseball bat but I believe he never caught up with him. Just another fun day at the apartment. Oh and my father never went to the hospital.

Thruway

My father and distant relatives once worked at Thruway gas station. All sorts of crazy stuff would happen there each night. The local cops would even stop by to have a look at the crazy shit they did. LOL my own uncle would avoid the block it was on by going one or two avenues out of the way. They would kidnap neighborhood people off the street and torture them or hit them with ice water in the middle of winter. Thruway was a gas station and a parking garage. This brings me to my first story. I call it two old bags.

Every night two nasty old ladies would come to pick up there car. This is in the middle of winter. They demanded there hunk of junk vehicle and started to drive off. What they didn't know was that my father and friends filled up there radiator with piss (yep i said piss). Well as you could imagine once they put the heater on the smell that came out of the vents had the old ladies diving out of the car like they were twenty years old.