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Give them kids a whoopin

33

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Happy New Year!!!!

I just wanted to wish everyone a Happy New Year. I am just going to hang with my women and celebrate the New Year with some champagne. Wish you all success in 2008.

Disability Benefits

My uncle Roger had gotten AIDS later in life because of the sex he was having with crack head hookers. Jumping off the roof of the old apartment didn't help him much either. Now that he was disabled, he was looking to apply for SSI (supplemental security income). He was turned down almost instantly. My uncle had lost 30% of brain function and had serious problems walking. So my old man helped him with the appeal. The two of them went down to the social security office. The both of them go into the office and my father tries to explain to the social security worker about the problems my uncle has. The SS worker basically tells my father that he doesn't fit the criteria. My father turns to my uncle and tells him to talk to the worker to give him a feel for my uncles problems. My uncle Roger gets up out of his chair and pulls his dick out. Starts to piss on the worker and his desk. The SS worker is screaming with horror. To make a long story a little shorter, my uncle was approved after that visit.

Merry Christmas!!!

I hope everyone had a good Christmas. I had my parents over and two of my drunk uncles. My uncles spent most of the day falling down on their faces in an empty apartment across the hall. Everyone had a blast playing Rock Band. If you haven't had the chance to play yet I would recommend testing it out at Best Buy or some place similar. Unfortunately no one has won the blu-ray dvd contest. LOL frankly no one followed instructions. Ill will be coming up with a new contest very soon. If anyone has any ideas on a give away please leave me a message in my new Shout Box. Hey leave a message just to say hi once in a while. Later all

Hello Boys!!!!!

My distant cousin Georgie and my father loved to play tricks on local businesses. If you read the post "Father Reverend Joseph" you know what i am talking about. Georgie and my father would take one of the tow trucks from the gas station and drive around the neighborhood. One night they pull into another local gas station. My father would go inside and tell the guys he had a hooker in the passenger seat. The boys would all come out thinking they were in for some action. My father would open the door and my cousin Georgie would be wearing nothing but a robe and a woman's wig. He would open up his robe and yell "Oh boysssss, come and get it I'm all woman".

New Shout Box

Hi all, just installed a shoutbox. Stop on by and say hi. Hope to hear from you soon. Happy Holidays.

Swan Dive

Another story about my uncle Roger. My uncle was married to this little troll looking women in the later years of his life. She really wasn't liked by anyone because she acted like a tom boy. Kind of women who thought she could go toe to toe in a fist fight with a man. She had a bad attitude and christ she definitely wasn't anything to look at. Kind of looked like the character from the leprechaun movies. Anyway, my uncle really did have feelings for her and found out she was messing around on him. At that time they were living in Rutherford, New Jersey and I she started to be known as the town blow job. My uncle freaked out, drank till he was shit faced, and got on a bus to the city. He went to the old apartment on 45th where his brothers were still living. He decided to take a walk up to the roof. Well about a half hour later a huge crash is heard and everyone runs outside to see what the noise was. My uncle had fallen 5 stories onto the top of a BMW car. Totally destroying the vehicle and doing some serious damage to the left side of his body. Nobody knows exactly what happened up on that roof. Whether he was pushed or jump is still a mystery. My uncle was in the hospital for a total of 6 months. For most of that time the doctors said he would never walk, talk, and function like a normal person again. The first time my uncle was able to speak he told the doctor "I'm gonna get everything back you asshole, just watch". My uncle was able to do all the things he use to do. He might have moved a lot slower and it was a little harder for him to remember things but that was only because he lost 30% of his functioning brain. Tough bastard my uncle was. You'll be missed Roger :)

The Great Trade

My uncle Roger was some guy. He had done every kind of drug in the book. That also included the use of heroin at one point. He seemed to know everyone and he was pretty well liked. Roger would sell anything though and I mean anything. When he was doing heroin he had sold his mother's wedding band for another blast up the arm. Roger had slept with thousand's of hookers. That is not an exaggeration either.

One day Roger and I were hanging outside the old apartment on 45th and 10th ave. Some guy I never seen before came up to Roger and shook his hand. I had never seen this guy before. That was just like uncle Roger, he knew everyone. This guy had some old bicycle with him and asked Roger if he could watch it for him for an hour. Roger did and after about ten minutes Roger said to me "Stay here, Ill be right back". Roger took the bike and walked a block or two over. He came back over about ten minutes later with a bag in his hand but no bike, I asked "oh what did you do with the bike?". Roger had gone into the Chinese food store and asked them to buy the bike off him for twenty dollars LOL. They wouldn't give him twenty dollars for the bike. He even brought the price down to fifteen dollars and they still wouldn't buy it off him. So I asked my uncle " So what happened, you only got ten dollars for the bike?". He replied " No I got a half chicken with pork fried rice and an egg roll". LOL one of the best meals I had ever shared.

Horse and Buggy

It was just another day in Hell's Kitchen. Hookers on the corner and junkies doing the junkie shuffle (a swaying of the arms). My uncle Jeff and friend Larry were just hanging out on 10th Avenue bullshitting. A horse and buggy starts to ride past them when all of a sudden the horse freaks out and doesn't want to move. The driver begins to beat the horse with his whip. Welllllllll I have to tell you one thing about some of us guys on the Westside, we don't go hurting animals. I wouldn't piss in some strangers mouth if his teeth were on fire but for an animal I would do just about anything. Larry and Jeff see this and walk over to the guy. Larry says "oh, how about I take that whip off you and beat the shit out of ya". The driver tells him to go fuck himself. I am sure you can see where this is going. Larry and Jeff pull this guy from the buggy and start stomping and kicking this guy half to death. They spot a cop car out of their eye and try to quickly walk away like nothing happened. The cop pulls up and says "what do you call this". Jeff and Larry describe what happened. The cop shacks his head and tells them "go home and if I catch either one of you on the street for the rest of the day, your going downtown". Well Larry and Jeff were like the invisible man for the rest of the day.

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Win Underworld Evolution Blu-Ray DVD

Enter for a chance to win Underworld Evolutions Blu-Ray Dvd. All you have to do is leave us a present under our tree and come up with the most creative Christmas greeting in the message box. You can enter as many times as you like. We will announce the winner on 12-23-07. Please check back with us then to find out if you are the winner. Happy holidays to all :)
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Wrong neighborhood

A woman walks into Peelies bar with a Great Dane. Ive mentioned in the past that Peelies had nothing but the worst sort of people and they all had guns. This woman obviously wasn't from this part of town. She walks in with this monster looking to use the pay phone. It's obvious from the size of this beast that she had no control over him. She finds the pay phone at the end of the bar. The Great Dane is barking so loud it sounds like a truck horn. The woman is yapping away on the phone and the dog starts barking at a guy at the end of the bar. He turns towards the women and tells her "Lady get that fucking dog away from me". She totally ignores him and keeps talking on the phone. He says "Lady im being nice, get that fucking dog out of here". Again it falls on def ears. Suddenly a 45 pistol comes out of his pocket. Shots are heard and everyone runs out of the bar. The woman comes walking out in shock with nothing but the leash. The guy that shot the dog blew its head clear off it's body. Not very funny to me since I like animals but that's what it was like in the real Hell's Kitchen.

Another day at Thruway

One day my father and a couple of the guys are looking to have some fun. It's snowing outside and its about 25 degrees but it feels like 15 degrees with the wind chill. They take a customers car from the garage and two gallons of water. They start driving around the neighborhood and spot a local drunk laying in a doorway. They get out of the car and hit this poor bastard with the water. The guy instantly freaks out from the cold water. My father and friends take off in the car laughing. No more then twenty minutes later the ice guy (I like to call him) comes stumbling into the garage half frozen to death. He literally had icicles hanging from his hair and beard. The guys at the garage feel so bad they decide to help him (LOL yeah right). They handcuff him and throw him into a parked car with the heat turned all the way up. Not to bad right? Well they come back down an hour later and see him sweating. My father says "ohhhh your hot? We can fix that". He turns on the air conditioning and leaves him in there for another hour. They did this to the guy for six hours straight. Oh happy times.

Everything but the kitchen sink.......nope that too

My uncles and their friends destroyed every hotel room they ever stayed in. Hotel managers knew them so well that they made them put down an extra $500 for damages. My uncle Roger and a couple guys threw every piece of furniture out the window one night. They threw the lamps, chairs, tv, bed, dresser, etc. They were doing eight balls and drinking all night. Towards the end of the night my uncle said "well we have thrown everything out but the bathroom sink". So one of them rips the bathroom sink out of the wall and throws it out the window. Their room had been up on the 11th floor mind you.

5 gallons worth

My father loves drop 5 gallons of water on anybody. Most of his targets are drunks and bums. My uncles are always getting loaded and sleeping in the basement. My father's cousin will drive all the way from Brooklyn just to hit them with water.

My uncle Ron one day spots a drunk sleeping against the wall of our building. Ron goes to the pay phone and lets my father know that there's a target for 5 gallons. My father will fill up a garbage can or two buckets and head up to the roof. My other uncle Jeff will come up and act as co-pilot and direct my father where to drop the water. The signal is given by Jeff and my father dumps over the water. When you dump 5 gallons of water it kind of looks like the Niagra Falls. The water literally washes this guy right into the gutter. The guy gets up out of the street and starts arguing with a air conditioner thinking it hit him with the water LOL.

Just some holiday fun for all

dick in a box

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Go for the extra point!!!

Even in a neighborhood as exciting as Hell's Kitchen, the boys would get bored once in a while. One day about ten guys were hanging outside my uncles house. Of course everyone is drinking. This guy Eddie Griff came up with the idea to play football. My uncle goes upstairs and grabs the ball. My uncle brings down the ball and Eddie starts tearing his clothes off. Everyone at the same exact time said "what the fuck are you doing". Eddie yells out "come on balls naked football". So there goes ten guys running down the street balls naked looking to play football. They found a spot on 10th avenue right in front of the Hess gas station that had some grass. The NFL couldn't have gotten more publicity then this game did. Traffic on the avenue is at a halt and people are standing around either in amazement or laughing their ass off. LOL oh forgot to tell you that this was no two hand touch game. TACKLE BABY!!!!

The Great Greek Whale

My father many years ago was a legendary fall down drunk. Now I have never seen him drunk but from the stories my uncles have told me he would have been inducted into the Anheuser-Busch hall of fame. My father would drink anything. He use to take sterno and filter it through cheese cloth. Now this is the kind of stuff Nasa used to launch the Apollo.

My old man use to hang out at a bar called Peelies on 9th avenue. All the local tough guys and killers would come to this bar and just about everyone had a gun. My father use to drink with a guy they called Vinnie the Fish. My father and Vinnie walk into Peelies looking to throw a few drinks back. Unfortunitilly the bartender that is working today is Fat Mary. Fat Mary was this 350lb greek woman. She was a piece of mush. She had a bad attitude, would never give you a buy back, and would take anything for free. So my father and Vinnie are having a few and they start complaining to her " Oh you fat fuck how about buying us a round for once". Well of course she told them to stick their thumps up their asses and spin. After a few minutes Vinnie comes up with a idea. He tells Fat Mary that he wants to buy her a shot. Of course she wants in on this cause she's a gluton fuck. Vinnie tells my old man to keep her talking on the side for a few minutes. She had already poured the drinks and while my father was distracting her Vinnie put a cow laxative in her drink. Now you got to understand a cow laxative is meant for a 2000 pound cow with the shits. LOL he put a whole tablet in. No more then twenty minutes goes by and Fat Mary starts to turn green and then pale white. She gets up to run towards the bathroom but starts shitting all over herself. She made it to the bathroom but left a full trail of shit behind. LOL Vinnie and my father go and have a look at her in the bathroom. They said after all was said and done she must have lost 50 pounds.

Holiday Spirit

My cousin is one of the best guys I know. He's the type of guy that would give you his last dollar. One year he gets hooked up with a company that sells Christmas trees. He starts out as a helper but gets promoted to the boss of his own stand the following year. My cousin starts out with one of the biggest tree lots they have. Work was pretty slow for me so I would come down and work for tips. We both start out with a Gung-ho attitudes. All positive moral was gone after dealing with ball breaking women and little bastard kids for a week. Now the company he was working for was great because they didn't give two shits about how you talked to customers. We decide to add a few polices of our own. One of them was that we refused to help customers anymore. I had a women come up to the stand and asked "how do I pick a tree". OHHHHH boy, I respond with "well see you hold it up, look at it, and then you bring it over to me". She tries to tell me that she didn't bring anyone to hold the tree for her. I told her that I wasn't a fucking tree stand. As you can imagine that was one of the many no sales to come. Every time it rained my cousin would hide in his car playing xbox or watching movies. Most of the time people would come in and leave cause they couldn't find him but if he had to get out of his car I felt sorry for you. Most of the time he told them "what are you a asshole can't you see its raining". LOL more loss of sales. One day I am ringing up customers and I yell to him while he's in the bathroom. He opens the port a john door (still sitting on the bowl) and yells "what the F$@# can't these people see im busy". I start dying laughing. What do you know by the end of the season we were one of the best money making stands. I'm still in amazement.

Grandfather

I never met my grandfather. He died before I was born. He was about 4 foot 11 inches but would fight anyone at the drop of a hat. Now almost every week the cops would stop by the house to pick up either my father or grandfather for something they did.

Almost every Thursday my grandfather would be out hitting the local bars. One of his favorites was a bar called the Neutral corner on 55th and 8th ave. This Thursday would be a little different then most. My grandfather after many hours of boozing comes staggering out of the bar. A cop car had pulled up about five minutes before and the two cops inside had gone into a deli. What do you know they left the keys to the car in the ignition. Well my grandfather decides to jump into the front seat and take off with the cop car. My father is walking down the street towards my grandfathers house and sees a cop car up on the side walk. My father goes up the stairs and finds my grandfather past out on the floor with a Chihuahua sleeping on his chest. As you can imagine the cops showed up soon after.

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Camping Trip

Ive seen it all and I have heard it all living around here. Almost every generation born in Hell's Kitchen has been a mess. Drug dealers,users,thieves,junkies,drunks,hookers,and killers. Now when you get a handful of them and they decide to take a camping trip you know this is going to be interesting.

Around ten guys decide to go hunting/camping. Not one of them knows how to hunt or even set up a tent. They bring with them eight cases of beer,knives,handguns,one tent,and a couple of eight balls. Now most of these guys have either been in jail or soon to be on there way. They finally get to there spot and start partying.Some how
they figure out how to put up there tent. They decide to take a walk though the woods when all of a sudden one of them yells out "tonight you die yanky dog" and starts shooting into the woods. At this point they are all spread out and its almost pitch black. Everyone pulls out their handguns and starts firing towards one another. LOL lucky bastards, not one of them was hit. After the walk everyone decides to go lay down. My uncle needs to take a piss and his friends are holding him down telling him that they're not letting him up. My uncle pulls his johnson out and starts pissing in the air. Guys are screaming and running for there lives. In the morning one guy is missing so they try and look for him. He shows up about an hour later covered in mud from head to toe. They ask him what happened and he tells them that he was hunting and had to crawl on his belly to stay low. Everyone is impressed that he actually found something and came so close to killing it. Now what you don't know is that this guy is an ex Vietnam veteran and is slightly out of his noodle. They ask him what he was hunting. He tells them "I was hunting a chipmunk with a 8" bowie knife". Enough said.

Father Reverend Joseph

We are going to take another trip up to Thruway garage and gas station for this story. My father and distant cousin (same guy that put the dry ice under Captain Bingo's bed- go to captain bingo post) got together to pull a few phone pranks. The most memorable one would be a story I like to call Father Reverend Joseph.


My father and uncle call a local tow truck service one day. My uncle tells this man that he is the father reverend Joseph and has a major problem and needs this mans help. The tow truck driver is very concerned and wants to help the reverend anyway he can. The reverend explains that a van full of nuns has broken down and the church doesn't have a lot money to pay for a tow. LOL one of the best parts of the story is that my father is playing a keyboard in the back round that sounds like an church organ. The tow truck driver explains to the reverend that he will help him anyway he can. The reverend tells the truck driver that he can give him 5 large ones. The tow truck driver says "five large ones father"? The reverend tells him "yes my son I can offer you five big ones". The driver explains "no father this won't cost you 5 hundred". The reverend explains " No my son I mean five large dicks for you hinny". LOL the tow truck driver all of a sudden realizes its a prank call and starts screaming every dirty word in his vocabulary.

Redecorating

My father use to play all sorts of tricks on this one friend of his. This guy would come home drunk on a daily basis and find his furniture rearranged. My father would sneak inside at night with his brother and move the bed with him in it to different rooms. Lol one time he even woke up in his hallway. One day my father and a few friends broke into the house took all of his furniture and nailed it to the ceiling. After that the guy started boobie trapping his wondows with spears and arrows lol.

Just taking a stroll

My father is sitting in the landlords office the other day and notices someone walking down the street. It is about 3 in the afternoon. Nothing special about someone walking down the street. Now if the guy is balls naked and walking as if he is window shopping this may raise an eye or two. Im sure the arresting officer wished he never came in that day.

Skydive kitty

Just wanted to put up a quick post. My uncle who died around seven years ago was one sick bastard. He would sell anything or do anything to get money for drugs. He would sleep with a 90 year old women. It didn't matter to him.

My uncle was bored one day and decided to take a walk up to the roof. Now before he went upstairs he grabs some fishing line, parachute from a large GIJOE figure, and a cat. Yes I said a cat. He had no intention of hurting the animal but needed its help for some light afternoon entertainment. He attaches the parachute to the cat. Oh by the way don't try this at home. He walks towards the edge of the building and tosses the cat in the air. The cat starts its slow decent down from five floors. Ahh..... I know what your thinking "Jesus thank god the cats alright and can get away". You have forgotten about the fishing line. Back up the cat came and off he went again. Well by the end of the day the cat had more diving experience then most professional divers. Oh and if you were wondering, the cat was fine and my uncle let that brave soldier go LOL.

The cab stand massacre

Hello all and thanks for stopping by on this colddd morning on the westside. Its 29 degrees to be exact. I once had a friend who had a very moody personality. His name was Larry and he hated sunny days and was happy on miserable days. He was the kind of person that would just beat the shit out of anyone or anything that gave him displeasure. Shoot guns in his house and once or twice at friends sitting in his house. Unfortunately Larry took a dive off his roof. A guy with a lot of issues and heartache. Larry we will miss ya brother.

One day Larry and his brother Mark were walking past a local gas station where it seems every cabby in NYC come to get gas. Both of them were about six foot and 220 pounds. Now Mark had a similar temperament to Larry but wasn't as tough. As the two were walking by this gas station one of the cabbies almost hits the pair of them. Well this is a big mistake on the taxi drivers part. So a argument begins leading to a punch in the cabbies head. This lays him out completely. All of a sudden its like a scene from the Alamo. Waves of cabbies storming in on the two of them. LOL looks like they don't have a prayer. Well the two brothers start beating the hump of the cabbies. They are literally hitting them so hard that its driving them over the cabs. The number of cab drivers that are charging in is around 30 and that's not an exaggeration. After about twenty minutes of fighting the police show up. Larry and Mark start to throw punches with the cops lol. All of a sudden about twenty cop cars show up. The two brothers held out pretty well at first but after about ten hits each with a night stick that was the end of there assault. Just another day in Hell's Kitchen.

Liquidation Sale

When my father was younger he would try and sell anything. I mean ANYTHING. Bras, panties, chandeliers, cars, doctors equipment, gas stations, etc. He once sold the Washington bridge to a couple of Asian tourists for $500 lol.

Years ago there was this tramp/prostitute who knew everyone in the neighborhood. My father at the time was a heavy drinker and so was my uncle. They had ran out of money and needed a quick way to jump back off the wagon. My father comes up with the brilliant idea of pimping the tramp out for anything a guy had in his pocket. LOL I mean ten cents, twenty five cents, a dollar it really didn't matter. If you did have more money to offer you were moved up to the front of the line. Ah if only I could use this method at a theme park. All the tramp/prostitute wanted was a pack of ring dings and some kind of chips. Ah the simple things in life. Well my father and uncle had a line of about thirty guys running up some apartment stairs waiting for there turn. Everyone almost balls naked. No one wanted to go after a guy named Horse Dick Benny and the prostitute didn't want him no where near her lololol.

Birthday Cake

Well you should be getting a little hint by now why my family is shot in the head. Hard for some people to understand our sense of humor. Everyday of the week my father breaks both my uncles balls.

We decided to have a small party for my father up on 45th and 10th Ave. My one uncle who lol complains about my father on an hourly basis decides not to come due to the fact that my father would bust his chops all day. At the end of the party there is a nice size piece of cake left. My father decides to send this piece of cake down to my uncle that didn't show up. So my uncle who came to the party takes a polaroid camera into the bathroom. Comes out with a picture and slides it under the cake. Well I wanted to deliver this beautiful piece of cake, so I did. I present the cake to my uncle and he says "Ok what's wrong with it". I start laughing as he inspects the cake knowing that his two brothers would never just send him something to be nice. Sure enough my uncle finds a picture of a dick.

State of Grace

If you haven't gotten the chance to see this I would recommend taking a look. Most of whats in the movie isn't accurate but it definitely has the feel of the old Hells Kitchen. Pretty good movie too.

Captain Bingo

Ahhh there once was a nutty old fool called Johnny Mann. This was the kind of guy who could make it to Alaska and back to NYC with 100 bucks in his pocket. We preferred to him as that dirty, filthy, lying winno lol. Not a bad guy pretty funny actually. Was also known as Captain Bingo since he always claimed to travel by boat.

A distant cousin of mine use to torture this poor bastard. Play tricks on him and such. Now Captain Bingo use to stay with this cousin of mine. My cousin is the kind of guy that would electrocute you with wires running out of a wall socket. Anyway that's a story for later. One night Captain Bingo was sleeping in the second bedroom. My crazy cousin grabbed a empty two liter bottle of soda. Took a small piece of dry ice and added a small amount of water to the bottle. Then closing the bottle tightly put it under the Captains bed. LOL now this is pretty dangerous and I wouldn't recommend doing this to a friend. Well after a couple of minutes the gases from the dry ice filled the bottle and put tons of pressure on it. Sure enough the bottle explodes causing a sound that would wake up the next door neighbors. This in turn blew him right out of the bed. LOL luck it didn't kill him.

X marks the spot

My fathers side of the family has always been pretty evil to one another. Heavy drinking and drugging years ago brought out some of the worst in them. They would torture each other verbally or get into some serious fights with pipes, knives, bats, etc. No mercy rules.

One day my father, uncle, and fathers girlfriend were hanging out at the Old..... apartment on 46th street. LOADED is one word to describe how hammered they were. Well my uncle starts to tell my fathers girlfriend how he would have no problem stabbing my father. Thinking this was a joke the girlfriend decided to dare my uncle. Well my uncle gets up with his german made butcher knife and slashes a X across my fathers chest. Brings a tear to my eye to see how good my family has treated each other. At that point my father starts to chase my uncle out the door with a baseball bat but I believe he never caught up with him. Just another fun day at the apartment. Oh and my father never went to the hospital.

Thruway

My father and distant relatives once worked at Thruway gas station. All sorts of crazy stuff would happen there each night. The local cops would even stop by to have a look at the crazy shit they did. LOL my own uncle would avoid the block it was on by going one or two avenues out of the way. They would kidnap neighborhood people off the street and torture them or hit them with ice water in the middle of winter. Thruway was a gas station and a parking garage. This brings me to my first story. I call it two old bags.

Every night two nasty old ladies would come to pick up there car. This is in the middle of winter. They demanded there hunk of junk vehicle and started to drive off. What they didn't know was that my father and friends filled up there radiator with piss (yep i said piss). Well as you could imagine once they put the heater on the smell that came out of the vents had the old ladies diving out of the car like they were twenty years old.